Starting Over Single, the blog

  Part 2: Moving out   Reminder: Q and I keep in touch December 6, 2023 I am just getting out of the shower. My soon to be EX Husband enters the bathroom. Me: Yes? I ask as I’m covering up with the towel and staring at him. We haven’t spoken in days, maybe even weeks. He begins to try and seduce me. It doesn’t work. So, of course, he starts to get a little upset. My soon to be EX Husband: Are you seeing someone? Me: No My soon to be EX Husband: I thought we were being honest. We aren’t together so I can’t get mad. I assure him that I am not seeing anyone. However, he knows pulling the honest card will get me because I feel like lies can take up too much space in my head. So, I respond HONESTLY! Me: I am being nice to someone. My soon to be EX Husband: Being nice?   Who is he? Me: I’m not going to tell you that. He snatches my phone! I am trying to get it back. He is pushing me back so that I can’t. I call my son because I am unsure what will transpire. I don’

  VOL 4 - Part 1 : The Rebound   Journal Entry September 27, 2023 STOP FORGETTING ABOUT YOU! You can love someone and not allow them to hurt you. Stop trusting people who give you reasons NOT to. Focus on your goals. Protect your heart. Stop trying to give someone something they never gave you. End of entry   August 2024: current day Setting: My friend -- let’s call her Jade! This is the same friend that shared the embrace with me in Volume 1. The same friend who saw me in a rare 117lb puffy eyed state almost 1 year ago. We are making granola and having some girl talk. Lots of laughing is happening because that seems to be the theme of my year. Jade : Girl if things get any more expensive- imma enter a polyamorous relationship! We laugh so hard!! Me: The other day I was with LALA (a mutual friend of ours) -- reflecting on the night all of my recently separated friends went out together. I remember LALA texting me, “Are we gonna be ok?” and my response – “Girl idk.” LA

 VOL 3: Poker Face   Journal Entry 11/13/2023 Approx 1 week after the night in the park: The relationship Why Work on it ·        Bc I’ll be lonely ·        It’ll be hard ·        Love  Him ·        Says he is sorry,  ·        Apologizes with words…  ·        Where are the flowers? The urgency? What’s different about this apology? ·        He is giving me space and saying the right things. He’s good at saying the right things. ·        Takes accountability privately…  ·        In public pretends everything’s normal.  ·        Says he is “soul searching.” (What does that mean?) ·        Is he trying to figure out the why? ·        Who’s holding him accountable?  ·        Who is he bouncing ideas off? ·        Where is his ownership. How is he digging deep to change this behavior?   Why Leave it It hurts Makes me mad feel: sad, upset, too angry to focus on anything else Confused, less than, stupid, not good enough Stressful    ·        It’s not my place to fix the issue. ·        I deser

  VOL 2: THE PARK   Journal Entry April 20, 2023   I am writing these thoughts as a reminder to myself to let go of the self-doubt that Is being inflicted by him. Reminders: ·         It is OK to be Confident! ·         It is OK to Trust and Believe in your own ideas! ·         It is ok to take chances! ·         I am NOT stupid! ·         I am NOT careless! ·         I am NOT a Narcissist ! ·         I am a GOOD person! However, I am part of the problem because there is 1 thing I never let go of. I grew, I grounded myself, I now speak up for myself, but I never actually let go of the one person who hurt me over and over. Instead, I learned not to be hurt. I learned to forgive. I learned to keep trusting and keep trying. I wanted to be the one who never gave up, but why? It doesn’t make me happy. It gives me functional chaos and conditional stability. I never take the leap to be 100% of what I can be, because he makes me feel like I need him. He makes me fee

  Glossary of words and terms that have been overused 2020-2024- but are also relevant to my story:   Victim : noun a person  harmed , injured, or killed as a result of a crime, accident, or other event or action. "victim of domestic violence"   Narcissist : noun a person who has an excessive interest in or  admiration  of themselves. "Narcissists think the world revolves around them"   Gaslight: verb gerund or present participle:  gaslighting manipulate  (someone) using psychological methods into  questioning  their own  sanity  or powers of reasoning. "In the first episode, Mrs. Harris is being gaslighted by her husband"   Masculine Energy: ~an invisible spiritual force that's said to be connected to traits like ambition, reason, and logic. It's also associated with positive qualities such as courage, assertiveness, and intuition. People who are aware of and focus o