SOS VOL 1

 

Glossary of words and terms that have been overused 2020-2024- but are also relevant to my story:

 

Victim: noun

1. a person harmed, injured, or killed as a result of a crime, accident, or other event or action.

"victim of domestic violence"

 

Narcissist: noun

1. a person who has an excessive interest in or admiration of themselves.

"Narcissists think the world revolves around them"

 

Gaslight: verb

gerund or present participle: gaslighting

1. manipulate (someone) using psychological methods into questioning their own sanity or powers of reasoning.

"In the first episode, Mrs. Harris is being gaslighted by her husband"

 

Masculine Energy:

~an invisible spiritual force that's said to be connected to traits like ambition, reason, and logic. It's also associated with positive qualities such as courage, assertiveness, and intuition. People who are aware of and focus on their masculine energy are said to demonstrate these positive qualities.

Feminine Energy:

~ a spiritual and cultural concept that is often associated with positive emotions, creativity, and intuition. It is said to be a gentle yet powerful force that flows within people, and is characterized by qualities such as:

compassion, empathy, introspection, nurturing, patience, and supportive

 

We’ll come back to these later!

November 2023

    I am sitting in my new bedroom, which is now in a different part of the house, feeling an emotion I very rarely acknowledge --- sadness. I am only feeling it because it is so overwhelming that its impossible to ignore. I am unable to push through the day with a positive spirit, ignoring my own feelings to make sure everyone else is ok. My mind is obviously taking a stand today and no longer allowing me to pretend to be superwoman --- I feel so weak. I locked the bedroom doors as I didn’t want the kids to see me, because I could cry at any moment. My throat is already aching from holding back tears. I try to read my book, or watch TV, but I can’t. I have a therapy appt in about 30 minutes, so I decide to just journal. This way I can at least get these feelings out of my head and discuss these emotions with my therapist.

 

Journal Entry 11/3/2023

It has now been officially 1 month since The day in the park …

Yesterday he decided to stop speaking to me.

He is acting as if I am the bad guy. 

Why am I sad? Why do I care?

I feel like it’s because this is, yet another let down from him.

Even though we are separated, we spoke about him going to therapy and us giving the kids one last normal Christmas together and getting through the holidays as a unit. But if we’re not speaking that’s pretty much impossible to pull off. So, this is just another let down for me….another broken promise. 

What’s the most hurtful though….is that today I grieve the parts of him that I love. The part:

1.       that makes sure I’m ok in the physical sense.

2.       my friend I grew up with.

3.        being my person that I could laugh with.

4.       being the person that I could bounce ideas off

5.       A man I was rooting for and believing in to do better.

That’s sad….

It also makes me angry that he can treat me like I did something wrong when it was him that also ultimately ended us with his irresponsible and dangerous behavior. 

Part of me wants to confront him and say how dare you treat me like SHIT when I was still being cordial and caring for your feelings after your deceit!

But it won’t change anything, so I won’t. 

I must feel all this pain and these feelings. Pain makes me move forward. It’s unrealistic anyway to believe that I could keep the parts of him that I loved and lose the parts of this man that hurt me at the same time when they are the same entity. He did also say that making himself feel like I am his enemy will be the only way he can cope. It feels like that’s immature and shows that he still can’t process his emotions. He can't own his mistake and keep his final promise to me and be a cordial family unit or United front when I did it so many times for him. I could literally be bawling my eyes out then clean it up and go pretend to be a happy wife for the sake of us being a "United front".

So, if he can’t do that and he couldn’t be my husband correctly, what would confrontation help? What would I really be fighting for? 

I need to focus on my own safety, my own security, and my own growth. That may mean moving out sooner than we initially planned. That may mean filing for separation, which I never intended to do. Being lonely after all these years is scary. but being with someone and feeling lonely is no better.  

END of Entry

The tears begin to fall. So many tears that my face is red and puffy. I try to stop them because it’s almost time to start my session and I cannot hold a conversation at this point. I take a few breaths and set up the camera to enter my session.

As soon as my therapist comes on camera, she asks how I am doing this week. I take a deep breath and try to speak but my voice is too shaky, and I cannot say anything. She tells me to take my time. I realize that we only have 30 minutes, so I decide to use the chat box and share my journal entry with her. Very empathetic, she asks a few yes or no questions. Once our time is coming to an end- she instructs me to reach out to a friend or family member that I can trust to simply be a presence and provide a hug. 

I texted a friend

Once I get there, she comes into my car, embraces me right away. This feels good! I take a deep breath and the tears fall, yet I feel that my emotions and vulnerability are safe.

 

Quote of the Century

:  Stop giving the same person different opportunities to disappoint you. 

 

Lessons Learned:

During the process of me deciding to give up on a marriage because I didn’t feel safe with the person I chose as my husband. I learned a lot of lessons. Some were hard, some were ugly, and some were positive. One of the positive lessons I learned is that when you surround yourself with good people, you can get through hard times without feeling weak or alone. Even when you are looked at as the strong friend who has it all together. Sometimes strength can become a prison because there’s no place for vulnerability.  When you feel safe, being vulnerable is not a problem. When you are in a safe space, vulnerability can give you strength in the form of liberation.

 

VOL 2: The Park à Drops 8/15