SOS Vol 2- THE PARK

 

VOL 2: THE PARK

 

Journal Entry April 20, 2023

 

I am writing these thoughts as a reminder to myself to let go of the self-doubt that Is being inflicted by him.

Reminders:

·        It is OK to be Confident!

·        It is OK to Trust and Believe in your own ideas!

·        It is ok to take chances!

·        I am NOT stupid!

·        I am NOT careless!

·        I am NOT a Narcissist!

·        I am a GOOD person!

However, I am part of the problem because there is 1 thing I never let go of.

I grew, I grounded myself, I now speak up for myself, but I never actually let go of the one person who hurt me over and over. Instead, I learned not to be hurt. I learned to forgive. I learned to keep trusting and keep trying. I wanted to be the one who never gave up, but why? It doesn’t make me happy. It gives me functional chaos and conditional stability. I never take the leap to be 100% of what I can be, because he makes me feel like I need him. He makes me feel like I can’t be trusted to make my own decisions. He instills a fear in me that is holding me back.

Will I fail like he says I will?

Will I be dumb in the world without him?

Will I be a gullible dreamer looking to be taken advantage of?

OR

Will I prosper?

Will I do better?

Will I grow the biggest, prettiest wings and fly?

I am 36 & have never been on my own!

(I went from my mom’s house --- to his ( house)

However, I do know that I am extremely resilient!

I am good at making something out of nothing!

SO Why the FUCK am I afraid to do what I know I can do?

END of Entry

 

November 2023

It’s Friday morning,

Every weekend he gets lost. I haven’t put much effort into caring lately, but my kids are now asking me questions. “Where is dad?”  “Why is he coming home at 6am every weekend?”

I don’t have the answers, but I don’t want them to think that it’s ok. I have tried texting him and calling him when he’s out. It’s the same thing every weekend. He says he’s going out with his “friends” (FYI -- He hasn’t had friends in years, not ones that I can’t call or trust anyway.) His phone works until about midnight. Then no answer. He comes in around 6-7 am. Sometimes he’s actually strolling in right before we have to leave and head to wrestling tournament. So, I can’t say anything because we are in the car with the kids, then in front of hundreds of people. So now I must act as if everything is fine. That shit is Exhausting! It’s exhausting because I am being hurt, and I don’t get to fight back! I can’t defend myself without causing a scene.

Reminder: I am Resilient!

I have a plan. After dealing with the gaslighting and manipulative behavior. I understand that I must be patient and play the long game. I love a good chess game. So, I set up my pieces.

Every Friday, he gets lost after work. So, chess Move #1 --- I make sure my iPad is connected to the find my iPhone network.  Move #2 --- I place it strategically in his truck where he won’t see it and turn it off, so it doesn’t make any sounds.

I do everything I normally do on Fridays, except cook dinner, which I know he won’t eat if I do. Once he’s showered, dressed, and ready, Move #3 --- “I ask him where he’s going?”

He says, “Going out with the fellas,” in the neighborhood where we grew up. I ask him, “Do you have plans on coming home in time for us to do something together or if do you plan on being out late?” He says, “Not sure.”

Move #4 --- I watch his location as he makes it to where he said he would go. After a few minutes I see him coming back to our city. I think he’s coming home, but instead he goes to Applebees.

It would be unusual if I didn’t try to figure out what he’s up to on a Friday-

So, I text:

This is where the GASLIGHTING comes in:

His response was everything:

Move #5 --- I begin to get dressed, because he is still at Applebee’s, and I start to consider that he might be actually, be with the “fellas”. It also, won’t look weird if I show up to Applebee’s to get food since I didn’t cook dinner.

Once I come upstairs fully dressed, heart racing, and blood boiling. I am met with my youngest child staring at me and feeling my energy.

Him: Where u going?

Me: I have to go to the store to get toilet paper.

Him: NO YOU NOT! I’m coming too.

Me: No your not son stay here

As I walk to the door. Him putting on his second croc-

Him: I’M COMING TOO MA!!!!

Now I have to go to the store. This was not in the plan.

Luckily, my son is tired. I wake him up when we get to the store, we go in to grab toilet paper.  While waiting in line, I get alerts that my iPad is on the move. I am thinking to myself, damn, I missed my opportunity, and why the fuck is this line moving so slow. I feel like we’ve been here for 15 minutes in this damn line. My phone dings again. Your iPad was found near a park. It is no longer moving?? I’m not missing another opportunity. Move #6 --- Let’s go NOW!

Me: Son let’s go.

Him: What about the toilet paper?

Me: LET’S GO!!!

I am driving fast. My heart is racing again.

Me: SON- Close your eyes and go to sleep.

He knows that I am not playing, and he doesn’t say anything. He simply closes his eyes.

The closer I get to my ipad, the more nervous I get.

Questions begin to swirl in my mind --- What If he’s here with all these guys and I look like the obsessive stalker wife? What if he’s not? What if he really is here with another woman? My stomach is literally at my feet. I have chills, I am cold and shaky. When I get closer, I don’t see a park and it is really dark. My phone is telling me to drive down a long dark road- I just follow it. I turn my lights off because at this point, I knew there are NO other, ”Fellas” out here. I know exactly what’s down this road. I spot his truck, parked alone, dark, with only the blue lights from his radio. No one is in the front seats. I park directly in front of his truck and at the last minute turn my lights on. I see him and her scuffle. CHECK MATE! I jump out of the car.

Quote: Love will take away what you don’t appreciate! Giveon

Lesson: Sometimes a loss is actually -a win! I would’ve never let go had I not lost in this situation. I would still be in the routine of putting myself on the line to protect him. I would still be on a misogynistic merry go round. I would still be exhausted. I would still be confused. I would still dim my light. I wouldn’t know the beauty of true friendship on the level I do now. I wouldn’t know my own strength. I wouldn’t trust my own voice.

Journal Entry June25, 2024

HEY ME!!

Look at you NOW!

Your money is flowing!

Your teeth are always showing!

Your booty is growing!

& Your skin is glowing!

VOL 3: Poker Face Drops 8/22