SOS Vol 3: Poker Face

 VOL 3: Poker Face

 

Journal Entry 11/13/2023

Approx 1 week after the night in the park:

The relationship

Why Work on it

·        Bc I’ll be lonely

·        It’ll be hard

·        Love 

Him

·        Says he is sorry, 

·        Apologizes with words… 

·        Where are the flowers? The urgency? What’s different about this apology?

·        He is giving me space and saying the right things. He’s good at saying the right

things.

·        Takes accountability privately… 

·        In public pretends everything’s normal. 

·        Says he is “soul searching.” (What does that mean?)

·        Is he trying to figure out the why?

·        Who’s holding him accountable? 

·        Who is he bouncing ideas off?

·        Where is his ownership. How is he digging deep to change this behavior?

 

Why Leave it

It hurts

Makes me mad feel: sad, upset, too angry to focus on anything else

Confused, less than, stupid, not good enough

Stressful 

 

·        It’s not my place to fix the issue.

·        I deserve to take all that energy and give it back to me…And my kids.

·        Why do I continuously accept this?

·        Am I strong because I can deal with this. or am. Weak? 

 

The other day we went out to eat with friends and the conversation came up of our childhood

mentors and the husband’s infidelity. I remember thinking to myself, “I don’t want my kid’s

friends talking about me like that.” 

 End of entry

Back in the park: Once I jumped out of my car I went to unlock his door with the password,

success, the locks popped up, but before I could open the door, he pressed the lock down. I

tried a few more times only for him to do the same. Finally, I stand on the step of his truck and

bang on the window with all my might, still with no luck! I see him laughing, I see her staring and

I cannot do anything. Finally, I jump down from the truck, he puts it in reverse, runs over the

parking hump, and leaves me, my wedding ring, his sleeping son,& 20 years of history in the

PARK.

I ride home in silence. There are no tears, but my body is shaking. I looked at my phone and

noticed a new voicemail, it’s HIM; I press play and it’s an accidental recording of him yelling at

her to turn off her location. I go home, wake my son up and send him into the house. I ride to

the store to get toilet paper and gather my thoughts. I have no idea what I am going to do, I had

only planned far enough to catch him, and I never thought I would.

What’s next?

Remove the poker face. My poker face has always been our saving grace. It allowed me to

portray the facade that everything is ok. It allowed me to believe and portray that everything is

under control. It allowed me to show my kids that mom and dad are good. It made sure to keep

people from worrying about me, because I was FINE.

I realize that it has always been hard to hold him accountable because I have been too busy

protecting him. That stops today. I get back home, and guess who is waiting outside? HIM.

I pull in and park my car.

HIM: “What do you need from me?”

ME: “Space! Give me space to do what I need to do.”

I walk into the house and gather necessities from our bedroom and take them to the extra

bedroom. The next morning, I told my kids that mom and dad would no longer be together. This

is the biggest step in keeping myself accountable. It is so easy to fall back into a normal routine

after an argument even if it’s huge. I understand that once I give an ounce of pretending that

we’re a normal family unit I won’t be able to stand firm on my plan. Telling my boys meant I had

to “Stand on Business!”

Side note:

Why do we tend to hide things from our children, I understand that we want to protect them from

certain things, but sometimes we just end up looking like parents who lie. I have always tried my

best to be honest in a way they can understand. Most of the time we tell “protective lies”, and

they know we’re not being honest. To let my children know that I was going to end the marriage

was a hard, but necessary conversation. I didn’t want them to wonder why I am suddenly

sleeping in another room. I also had no idea what life was about to look like, and I wasn’t in a

space to pretend anymore.

We teach our children right from wrong and we instill values and morals in them. We preach

these things to them, but if our actions are different, they are less likely to take it seriously. “Do

as I say, Not as I do” Is the goofiest statement I have ever heard. In my own experience as a

child, I did as they did!

FAST FWD A FEW WEEKS:

I let HIM talk me into going to dinner. Although it had been a while and I was still standing firm

on my decision to leave, a woman still has needs. Technically I was still married, and I was

overdue for a night out, a few drinks, and a night cap. My mind was made up, tomorrow I can go

back to ignoring him. As I am in the bathroom doing my makeup my son walks by. He doubles

back and asks, “where are you going?” Me: “I’m gonna go out to dinner with your dad.”

He gives me a look, that I swear, came from someone who had way more sense than me at the

moment. He threw his neck back, squinted one eye and tightened his lips. The face screamed

ARE YOU SERIOUS RIGHT NOW???? However, he said nothing, He simply shook his head

and ran downstairs to go play. I stop doing my make up and start to think about why I might be

having such a hard time letting go completely?

The why?

 TRIGGER WARNING

    As a young girl I was sexually molested by my older cousin. He lived out of town and only came

to visit on holidays and family gatherings. We all stayed at grandma’s house, the house I had

been sexually molested at since the age of about 5 or 6.; My childhood gets fuzzy so ages may

not be accurate. Anyway, I remember always wanting to see my older cousins, I thought they

were so cool and so funny. We had so much fun when we were all together.

However, at bedtime it never failed that I would be awakened in the wee hours of the morning

with a heavy breathing, asthmatic, chunky teenager rubbing my nipples, legs, butt and

eventually the lotus flower. I would pretend to be sleeping and let him finish. The next day I

would pretend it never happened because I just wanted to play with my cousins. I still thought

they were cool and funny, and believe it or not, I didn’t hate this specific cousin. Even though I

knew he had no business bringing his heavy breathing ass in my bedroom at 3am. Why did I

react this way?

Why?

Younger Chanti was molested by my grandmother’s foster child who was from Africa. I was told

that we were playing a game. When naptime would come, he would take me to the bedroom

and have me close my eyes. He would then touch me and even get on top of me with no pants

or underwear. I have no idea if he was just rubbing me or what because again, it’s blurry. I do

know that I was instructed to act like it didn’t happen, and if I told anyone some people would

come take me away from my family like they took him from his. I am pretty sure this is where I learned to wear my “Poker Face”.

VOL 4 drops 8/29